Tuesday, December 28, 2010

The Life That Might Have Been

I often wonder if I will ever stop thinking about what Becca’s life would be like if she didn’t have Rett Syndrome.  Sometimes I look in her eyes and see so much personality locked up in her little body and it truly breaks my heart.  I know she has a wonderful sense of humor just like her Dad.  And I know she’s smart, just like her dad.  She seems to understand more about life than any of us do. 

Anyway, I was looking through old pictures and videos earlier today and was, once again, surprised at how Becca has changed through time.  It’s always a bittersweet experience for me.  I’m not sure why I do this when I just end up crying…I guess I can’t explain it, it’s just something I like to do.  Though I had that familiar ache in my heart and a lump in my throat as I looked through our many pictures, I came to a realization.  When Becca was little I was always waiting.  Waiting for her to master the next skill, waiting for her to get stronger muscles, waiting for her to catch up to other kids, and waiting to figure out what was wrong.  I was always wishing time would fly by so things would get better (if that makes any sense).  I didn’t stop to enjoy what a sweet baby she was.  I wish I could go back and do it over.  If only I knew that she had mastered skills that she would later lose. 

But I also came to the realization that I don’t do that anymore.  With Becca’s diagnosis came sadness but a whole lot of peace.  I just enjoy her now.  I’m not wishing time away now that I know.  And I try to focus on reality rather than the life the she might have had.  I am just so grateful for her and that she chose to come to earth even though she knew it would be hard.  I’m so grateful that she came to our family because we truly do need each other.  I am so grateful for the sweet spirit she brings into our family for all she has taught us and will continue to teach us in the years to come.  I think I might always feel inadequate when it comes to raising her, but I know I will be given the strength necessary to do so.  Becca was blessed with a Daddy that understand her better than any other person.  He knows how to cheer her up or provide for her at times when I don’t.  God definitely knew what He was doing when He sent sweet Becca to us.

Wow, I came to update on Becca’s life and then out came all of that. I guess I don’t feel like I have too much to report.  Becca has been sick a lot this winter already.  Each time she’s sick I find myself wishing that she could tell me what’s bothering her.  It’s sure hard to take care of a sick kid that can’t communicate.  But she’s been blessed to overcome the bugs that came her way.  She thinks the holidays are exhausting…

But she has also had a lot of joy this holiday season